Fall is near, and we are still on an island…

After a few weeks of chaos, turmoil and a bunch of ups and downs, I find myself here.

I haven’t written in a few months because I have been trying to just live.

Well, it happened again.  I guess one would call it “chemical”.  On August 14, I had a feeling I was pregnant again so I took a clear blue test.  I did what the test requires, then went into the bedroom to thumb through my most recent Real Simple magazine.  I thought my hormones were messed up and I was just late.  Five minutes later, I was back in the bathroom and there it was “PREGNANT.”  Immediately, I grabbed a First Response and another five minutes later, BAM, 2 lines.  My immediate thought was time to have my blood taken.  I went to the clinic and they told me they would call in a few hours.  So two hours later, I woke up from a nap (lethargy sucks), and voicemail. “Hi this message is for (my name), and your pregnancy results are Negative.” WHHHHHAAAAAAT?? Am I crazy? What is going on here? I called the nurse and she told me to come back Monday.  In the meantime, I had an entire weekend to  go even more mad.  I took four more tests and ever single one read PREGNANT or there were two lines.

On Monday, I went to the clinic thinking, I know this is it.  Blood draw and two hours later, I got the call.  I didn’t nap because I knew I need to stay awake.  The nurse said the test had come back positive.  Woohoo! I have my rainbow.  Or so I thought.  Four days later, I was feeling uneasy. I had been having cramps all week but nothing terrible.  Around ten in the morning on friday, my fear was here once again.  I was spotting.  I called my husband and let him know I was going to go to the hospital and he said he was coming home.

Three hours after we checked into the clinic at the hospital, we finally were called back.  My hg was at 32.  32 is a number you’d see around 3 and a half weeks.  By my calculations, I should be 5 weeks and three days.  The doctor told me two things were possible.  She didn’t have to tell me because I knew what was about to happen.  The words, “You may not be as far along as you think” were ludacris. I knew this baby wasn’t staying with me.  The doctors left and I was an emotional wreck.  I told my love that I couldn’t believe this was happening again and I was so sorry that something was wrong with me.  He held me and told me nothing was wrong with me.

We went home and I took it easy.  He had previous planned to go to the gym and assured me that he would just stay home if I wanted it.  Honestly, I just wanted to be alone so I could lash out and cry until I couldn’t anymore.  So as soon as he walked out the door, I was a hysterical mess.  I cried, hard, for an hour.  Then I thought I was ok.  He called me and it started again.  I told him I would see him when he got home and I called my mom.  I hadn’t told her yet that I was pregnant but she soon knew I was having another miscarriage.  “It’s happening again”, I said. “What, baby?,” she responded. And I wailed.  She told me it wasn’t fair.  She was just as upset as I.  We questioned God together though we both said how much we didn’t want to.  So many people are blessed with children and I have been given a child in my womb twice only to have them taken away.  I am a good person, with a good heart and I along with many of my family and friends think I would make a great mother.  So what gives?

I woke up Saturday unsure of what was going to happen.  A month and a half before I signed up for a Crossfit competition at my gym and given the circumstances, I was undecided on what I should do.  I went to the bathroom and it was happening.  The cramping had worsened and it was apparent.  I was having a second miscarriage.  I needed to be around people, I needed to not sulk and cry and waste away.  So, I decided to compete.  This was my decision and my decision alone.

The competition started quickly and I was in the first heat.  When I told my coach I was going to compete with my current situation, she was in shock.  I completed my first workout with a time of 6:08.  I was 6 out of 9 in the second heat.  Cramping commenced.  I sat in the corner, drank water, had a snack and let things happen.  I wasn’t sure I would get through the second workout but I wasn’t going to quit.  The second workout consisted of snatches and cleans and something else. I don’t remember.  I just remember the weight of 65 pounds felt unbearable.  When I finished the time was 9:01.  I placed 7th which was a bit of a shock to me because “normally” I would have been in the top 5.  I went to the bathroom and cried because of the pain in my pelvis.  I haven’t had the experience of child birth but the uncomfortableness of the involuntary contractions in my nether region was a reminder of what was happening.  Again, I drank more water, and ate a little something.  The last workout came and there was running.  I knew this wouldn’t be my strong suit because I was with the ladies that are decent at running.  I came in last for the run and moved to wall balls.  I couldn’t drop the ball but I could stand there with it. 40 wall balls later, I moved onto 123 pound deadlifts.  Deadlifts are my JAM! One of my mates in front of me got to the bar faster but she couldn’t seem to get the bar off the ground and she was a little upset. (Insert profanities here) I didn’t put the bar down.  30 deadlifts at a moderately tough weight for me.  It was onto the pull up bar.  We had a time cap and I needed to get 20 pull ups.  The most I had ever done was 14 and that was broken up with breaks in between.  I paced off one of a better (all around) athlete and she was one pull up ahead of me.  They called time and I was 3 pull ups away from finishing the workout.  I finished 2nd in the last workout.  It helps that only two of us can do the pull ups and some had difficulty with the deadlifts.  I finished fourth in a three way tie but I was 9th before the third workout.

Internally, I went through pain and on the outside, I showed the pain but very few knew what was happening to me inside.  My pain was thought to be from my muscles fatiguing and growing tired.  I was feeling everything but pushing through and doing what I knew I wanted to.  I thought May 19, 2014 was the hardest day of my life.  August 23, 2014 was equally as painful.

I don’t know when we will conceive again or if we will have a full term pregnancy without some help from doctors.  I am trying to see a fertility specialist but the military medical team told me that I would need to be on my fourth pregnancy before treatment.  Right now, I am focusing on school, the gym, being a puppy mommy and a housewife.  In the meantime, prayers and kind words are the only things I can ask for.

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