Fall is near, and we are still on an island…

After a few weeks of chaos, turmoil and a bunch of ups and downs, I find myself here.

I haven’t written in a few months because I have been trying to just live.

Well, it happened again.  I guess one would call it “chemical”.  On August 14, I had a feeling I was pregnant again so I took a clear blue test.  I did what the test requires, then went into the bedroom to thumb through my most recent Real Simple magazine.  I thought my hormones were messed up and I was just late.  Five minutes later, I was back in the bathroom and there it was “PREGNANT.”  Immediately, I grabbed a First Response and another five minutes later, BAM, 2 lines.  My immediate thought was time to have my blood taken.  I went to the clinic and they told me they would call in a few hours.  So two hours later, I woke up from a nap (lethargy sucks), and voicemail. “Hi this message is for (my name), and your pregnancy results are Negative.” WHHHHHAAAAAAT?? Am I crazy? What is going on here? I called the nurse and she told me to come back Monday.  In the meantime, I had an entire weekend to  go even more mad.  I took four more tests and ever single one read PREGNANT or there were two lines.

On Monday, I went to the clinic thinking, I know this is it.  Blood draw and two hours later, I got the call.  I didn’t nap because I knew I need to stay awake.  The nurse said the test had come back positive.  Woohoo! I have my rainbow.  Or so I thought.  Four days later, I was feeling uneasy. I had been having cramps all week but nothing terrible.  Around ten in the morning on friday, my fear was here once again.  I was spotting.  I called my husband and let him know I was going to go to the hospital and he said he was coming home.

Three hours after we checked into the clinic at the hospital, we finally were called back.  My hg was at 32.  32 is a number you’d see around 3 and a half weeks.  By my calculations, I should be 5 weeks and three days.  The doctor told me two things were possible.  She didn’t have to tell me because I knew what was about to happen.  The words, “You may not be as far along as you think” were ludacris. I knew this baby wasn’t staying with me.  The doctors left and I was an emotional wreck.  I told my love that I couldn’t believe this was happening again and I was so sorry that something was wrong with me.  He held me and told me nothing was wrong with me.

We went home and I took it easy.  He had previous planned to go to the gym and assured me that he would just stay home if I wanted it.  Honestly, I just wanted to be alone so I could lash out and cry until I couldn’t anymore.  So as soon as he walked out the door, I was a hysterical mess.  I cried, hard, for an hour.  Then I thought I was ok.  He called me and it started again.  I told him I would see him when he got home and I called my mom.  I hadn’t told her yet that I was pregnant but she soon knew I was having another miscarriage.  “It’s happening again”, I said. “What, baby?,” she responded. And I wailed.  She told me it wasn’t fair.  She was just as upset as I.  We questioned God together though we both said how much we didn’t want to.  So many people are blessed with children and I have been given a child in my womb twice only to have them taken away.  I am a good person, with a good heart and I along with many of my family and friends think I would make a great mother.  So what gives?

I woke up Saturday unsure of what was going to happen.  A month and a half before I signed up for a Crossfit competition at my gym and given the circumstances, I was undecided on what I should do.  I went to the bathroom and it was happening.  The cramping had worsened and it was apparent.  I was having a second miscarriage.  I needed to be around people, I needed to not sulk and cry and waste away.  So, I decided to compete.  This was my decision and my decision alone.

The competition started quickly and I was in the first heat.  When I told my coach I was going to compete with my current situation, she was in shock.  I completed my first workout with a time of 6:08.  I was 6 out of 9 in the second heat.  Cramping commenced.  I sat in the corner, drank water, had a snack and let things happen.  I wasn’t sure I would get through the second workout but I wasn’t going to quit.  The second workout consisted of snatches and cleans and something else. I don’t remember.  I just remember the weight of 65 pounds felt unbearable.  When I finished the time was 9:01.  I placed 7th which was a bit of a shock to me because “normally” I would have been in the top 5.  I went to the bathroom and cried because of the pain in my pelvis.  I haven’t had the experience of child birth but the uncomfortableness of the involuntary contractions in my nether region was a reminder of what was happening.  Again, I drank more water, and ate a little something.  The last workout came and there was running.  I knew this wouldn’t be my strong suit because I was with the ladies that are decent at running.  I came in last for the run and moved to wall balls.  I couldn’t drop the ball but I could stand there with it. 40 wall balls later, I moved onto 123 pound deadlifts.  Deadlifts are my JAM! One of my mates in front of me got to the bar faster but she couldn’t seem to get the bar off the ground and she was a little upset. (Insert profanities here) I didn’t put the bar down.  30 deadlifts at a moderately tough weight for me.  It was onto the pull up bar.  We had a time cap and I needed to get 20 pull ups.  The most I had ever done was 14 and that was broken up with breaks in between.  I paced off one of a better (all around) athlete and she was one pull up ahead of me.  They called time and I was 3 pull ups away from finishing the workout.  I finished 2nd in the last workout.  It helps that only two of us can do the pull ups and some had difficulty with the deadlifts.  I finished fourth in a three way tie but I was 9th before the third workout.

Internally, I went through pain and on the outside, I showed the pain but very few knew what was happening to me inside.  My pain was thought to be from my muscles fatiguing and growing tired.  I was feeling everything but pushing through and doing what I knew I wanted to.  I thought May 19, 2014 was the hardest day of my life.  August 23, 2014 was equally as painful.

I don’t know when we will conceive again or if we will have a full term pregnancy without some help from doctors.  I am trying to see a fertility specialist but the military medical team told me that I would need to be on my fourth pregnancy before treatment.  Right now, I am focusing on school, the gym, being a puppy mommy and a housewife.  In the meantime, prayers and kind words are the only things I can ask for.

Our Angel Baby

miscarriage

 

I haven’t written in forever because I have been so consumed with College life and life in general but given the last few months, I decided it is time to start writing again. On April 28 I found out that I was pregnant. My mom flew in that day and it was such a happy time. My husband had just left for a training exercise and I was lucky enough to be able to share the news with him that day. It was a normal start of my pregnancy. I craved salt and vinegar chips, which I hate but goodness did I want them! And fruit smoothies. I had to have at least one every morning.   My moms visit went well. We hiked Diamond Head, enjoyed delicious foods, did a submarine tour and overall enjoyed one another’s company. Mom left the following Saturday and on Sunday, I shared my news with some of my close girl friends. The happiness in their faces was priceless. A happy time it was.

On May 14 I started spotting. It was very light and only happened once. I worked out that day so I thought maybe I just overdid it. On Thursday the same thing happened twice. I did yoga that morning. Of course I started reading EVERYTHING on the internet and was leaning toward everything being okay. On Friday I went to a walk in clinic run by the Army and they were not promising much. My HCG was at the levels of an early 5 week pregnancy. I was on the cusp of 7  weeks.   It was a 50/50 chance of a spontaneous abortion. Otherwise known as a miscarriage. The bleeding I thought had stopped.

On Saturday I was happy again, I felt like I had just hit a bump and needed to be a little less active. At 730 PM things took a turn. I went to the ER with my great mate, Emily.  My husband wasn’t reachable and I was freaking out.   Six hours later I learned that my HCG had only increased by around 100 but they did a transvaginal ultrasound. The pregnancy was where it was supposed to see but nothing was confirmed inside the sac. My cervix was closed and though I was bleeding abnormally, hope was given. Again, they were leaning toward a threatened miscarriage but I had to wait until Monday to do blood work again.

On Monday, my friend Amy took me to the clinic. My HCG had dropped from over 1000 Saturday to 450 on Monday. It was becoming real. The baby that I wanted so badly was slipping away. My baby girl (Yes, girl because we are all girls until we’re not!) was becoming a little angel. At this point I was “ok”. I had been up and down this roller coaster all weekend and I was kind of expecting the worst. The Doctor told me that he thought it was best that I have the miscarriage at home naturally because it was so early. That was my plan.

Amy wanted to help me get my mind off of everything going on. She suggested we go to the beach. I am a firm believer in the quote, “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the ocean.” I didn’t feel like working out, I had cried so much. The beach was the only thing to calm me.

I passed two large clots. The first I thought was it. After the beach I passed the second. It was she. My little Angel Baby. I didn’t start to grieve the way I thought I was supposed to. My husband came home for Emergency Leave and things just seemed normal. On May 27, we went back to the Clinic and my HCG had dropped to 9. It finally hit me. I cried for what seemed like forever and when I got home, I curled up into a ball in my husband’s arms and just let it all out. I cried harder than I ever had.

It’s almost been a month. I don’t feel like I handled this like a normal person should but I know that this isn’t the end for us. I’ve questioned God, I’ve beat myself up and I have debated on whether or not I should try sooner rather than later. God knew that our baby girl wasn’t destined to be on this Earth. I am a good person. I eat right. I exercise. I took my prenatal vitamins. This wasn’t my fault. We were told we could try again after one cycle but some doctors recommend waiting at least three months and up to a year. I’m just going to let it happen.

Our Rainbow baby will come and our Angel Baby will watch over him or her. 🙂
salt water  rainbow   morethanyou

Stop It!

As humans, we are all susceptible to judging.  Sometimes it’s because we want what others have and sometimes I believe it’s because whatever we are judging is based off our society around us. 

My biggest issue lately is others telling someone that they are gross either directly or indirectly.  In this case, I am talking about bodybuilders, physique women and crossfit ladies.  Just because a woman is under 20% body fat doesn’t mean you can call her a man or say mean things about her.  Our society is slowly learning to accept other cultures, lifestyles and ideas but bullying still continues and being negative toward anyone is just that…BULLYING!

Now, I know I have passed judgment on another and many times I catch myself and rethink my thoughts.  The only time I really want to smack someone is when they complain about their weight/health and continue to eat fast food and are couch potatoes every day.  It’s not because I am judging this person, it’s because they just can’t figure out why they won’t lose weight and the answer is usually being shoved into their faces.  I want all people to be healthy and happy.   I am not perfect and I doubt I will ever come as close as I want to be.  But I will still lend an ear and my opinion if asked and strive to be the best me I can be.

I’m not going to say that men think women that have muscle out man them because that is not the case.  We are still women.   A few months ago, I had been joking around with what I thought was a friend and he turned around and flipped out on me saying I needed to lay off the roids and put the weights down because I was not a man.  Um, yeah that person is no longer in my life (facebook friend, ha) and I moved on from it.  I crossfit. I used to be a pear shaped woman but slowly, my shoulders are getting broader and I am getting stronger.  Sometimes I get down about it but I know I am beautiful.  And you are too.  Don’t let another’s harsh words affect your day and what you see in the reflection.  What do you love about yourself?  Think of that every single day.  Never want to be anyone else.  Just be you.  Block out those ignorant people.  The only thing that should be stopping you from being your best you is, YOU!

28 is GREAT!! (& Labor Day)

So, Friday was my birthday. The big 2-8. With birthdays, we usually know we are in for a not so surprise cake. Well, I didn’t get one cake on Friday but 3! My co-worker made two. One was the typical favorite dessert she makes, lime cake. The other was made with guava and some kind of whipped topping. Both were delicious and I ate those pieces of cake that like I was never going to get cake again. Then I went to lunch with some of my old co-workers. When I got back, there was a sheet cake waiting for me. Not just any sheet cake but the most massive sheet cake had ever seen. Again, delicious and sugary. Also, there was ice cream. Neapolitan but I opted for chocolate only. Oh MY GEE, I have not had that much sugar in one day since I don’t remember. It was great but it was awful.

That night, I rounded up four of my girl friends. All of which have never met. 🙂 There were a few fellow Army wives, my great mate whom I met through crossfit and a shy little introvert that I worked with before. We went to a wine and Italian tapas bar. It was fantastic. We all sampled wine, I had pumpkin and sweet potato ravioli with prawns, the waiter told me not to get the tiramisu yet I did and immediately regretted not getting the apple crisp. Stupid. stupid. STUPID! Afterward we went to a bar/club I used to go to when I was a young 24 year old single woman. It was what I remembered.
Except, I didn’t drink to my heart’s content and dance all night. We left before midnight. (Secretly after dinner, I really just wanted to go home to the puppies and cuddle but I’m glad I didn’t.)

Saturday was a bore. I didn’t leave the house. So we can just not talk about that day.

Sunday started like Saturday but then I got off my butt to run a few errands. Still didn’t get a lot accomplished but it was great.

Monday, some of the elite athletes and coaches from my box, Crossfit Zeus, competed in the Hawaii VA Loans Showdown. There were 52 teams. Our coaches’ team placed 10th overall out of the 52 and those guys and gals whom I want to be like in the next year placed 20th overall out of 52. While yapping my jaws, I overheard my GM and her man talking about some well known Crossfit athletes. I turned around and asked what they were talking about and she said, “Oh, Kristen Clever just walked by.” WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT???? Needless to say, I kept my eyes peeled the rest of the day trying to see her. When you are into crossfit, you see these athletes and just want to say hi and snap a photo with them. She actually competed in the individual competition. It was fun to watch her and the other 4 women compete. She had two injuries so she wasn’t her top self but she busted her ass and gave it her all nonetheless.

About my Zeus team that placed 10th, they were the exact definition of a team. The greatest event to watch them in was the last one. During the partner chipper, they had to grasp the bar during the time their partner was doing the Toes to Bar and when the first person stopped they still held on until their partner couldn’t bring their toes to their face for another rep. It was a great thing to see. And the final part of the chipper was overhead squats. Watching two members on either side of the bar to “catch” it if the teammates arm gave out was a proud moment. The fourth person cheered the person under the bar on. I was proud. So proud to be a part of the Crossfit community. Proud of my teammates, coaches and friends.

OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Did I mention after the competition was over, I smartly mall walked my rear end to the other side of the stadium and asked Kristen Clever to take a picture with me?? Yup. You could tell she was tired but she said yes, I sat down and she smiled for the camera(phone)!

The biggest part of my weekend that was missing was my love. He’s been away for today will be 13 days. Just a few more weeks to go. I miss him so much but staying busy with work, the puppies (three because I am puppy sitting and going CrAzY!), home projects and crossfit is really helping me not dwell on him being gone. It was a pretty eventful weekend to say the least but in a few weeks, I will really get to celebrate being another year older and wiser with my best friend.

Oh and there’s lumpia in the main office of my department today. WILLPOWER in full force. Tomorrow it will probably be doughnuts or malasadas or some other crazy treat. It is time to get back in the saddle. Friday was my birthday and this weekend was a long one. I am going to get that body I want, get stronger with the bar and feel great!

Food is fuel. But highly processed crap is just that; crap disguised as food.

It’s going to be a good week. I can feel it in my bones

Hello world!

After contemplating this blog for a few weeks its time to start!! I’m not going to make this a specific subject blog. Mostly, it’s just going to be about random thoughts that fill my brain, food & fitness may come into play and just overall life situations.
I’m 27, have an awesome husband , we have two puppies and we live on the beautiful island of Oahu. Lastly, I may offend some people and that’s ok because we are all entitled to our opinions. I’m crazy sarcastic.